Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
