I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
