i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
