glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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