I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
