omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
