Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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