It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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