That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
