i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
