I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i think i just lost a toe
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
