'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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