If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
