just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
