I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
