I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
