dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
