Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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