if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
