my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
