I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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