He uses pillows to masturbate.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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