I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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