Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
