he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
