My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
