I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
