apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You have to summon your inner elephant
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
