I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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