Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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