I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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