I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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