just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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