guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
