I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
