saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
