dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
