There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
