Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
