I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
