im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
