Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize