YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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