I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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