Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Where did you get a picture of my penis
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
