All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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