she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
then he tried to convert me to islam
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
