remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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