I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The cops high fived after they tackled you
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
