Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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