My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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