i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
