Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
