i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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