i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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