I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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