Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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