I am midnight drunk by noon
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
