I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
