yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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